Downward Spiral
by HannahIslesBenson
Summary: Something's going on with Olivia's eldest daughter; 14 year old Amelia. Will Olivia be able to help her daughter before the voices in her head tell her to kill herself? TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM, SEVERE DEPRESSION, BIPOLAR DISORDER AND EATING DISORDERS.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It was March 2011, and Amelia had been invited to a party that was being hosted by a relative of a fellow student. It was out of character for Amelia to attend parties but she thought what the hell and attended anyway. It was there she drank her 1st alcoholic drink, which happened to be a vodka shot. Needless to say she didn't leave the party sober. She soon found herself in the middle of the party scene. Her attitude and behaviour started to change. She was hanging out with all the wrong people. She was hooking up with anyone, guy... or girl. Her grades started to slip and her mom was called to the school. She was right in the middle of the partying scene, taking drugs and hooking up with random people. She slowly became depressed. To the point where she was cutting herself, she was disguisted in what she was doing and felt really down after she had done it, that she'd cut herself and she would end up feeling worse. She was restricting her food, and would go days without food and would then binge and purge. Olivia was at her wits-end, she had no idea what to do. It wasn't as clear then, that she was starting to act like Kathleen before her diagnosis. One day when Olivia and Elliot were on their way to interview a witness, Olivia got a call from Amelia's school saying she had got into a fight with another student and got so worked up, she ran away from the school. Olivia knew exactly where'd she would be and told Elliot to drive her the 5 blocks to her apartment.

"I'm fine, El. Go. Interview the witness. I'll call you later" Olivia said, starring at Elliot through the car window.

"Okay. I'll talk to you later. I'll let Cragen know what's happening" Elliot replied, before he drove away.

Olivia made her way up to the apartment, and opened the door. "Mia?" She questioned as she walked into the apartment.

Amelia screamed and then Olivia heard something smash and she knew exactly where she was. Olivia walked to Amelia's bedroom and opened the door. Amelia was in hysterics and was pacing up and the room with a razor blade in hand, with blood seeping down her hand from holding it to tightly.

"Baby? Calm down. What are you doing?" Olivia said, walking towards her daughter. It was then that she saw the bleeding. "Is that... is that blood? Mia. Baby, you're bleeding."

There was no calming Amelia down. She didn't realise her mother was there. She was in get own little world. "No. Stop it. Leave me alone. Please don't hurt me" Amelia pleaded with the voices in her head. "You're not real. You're not real" She repeated over and over again.

Olivia knew at that moment, that Amelia was suffering from some sort of psychosis. "Baby, where are you?"

"I'm in..." Amelia replied, looking round her bedroom. "I'm at home, I'm in my bedroom"

"That's right, and who... who am I?" Olivia replied.

"My... my, my mom" Amelia said, turning to stare at Olivia.

"That's right and I'd never hurt you. You know that right. Now come over to me baby" Olivia said, and Amelia started to comply and walked over to Olivia. "That's right baby, keep walking towards me. It's gonna be okay. I promise"

"Mommy?" Amelia cried.

"Sshh" Olivia soothed her daughter. "Now let me have a look at your hand. You were bleeding quite a bit"

Olivia was silently praying to god that her daughter was going to be okay. She didn't understand it. She came home to reek havoc on her daughter for skipping school again and getting into yet another fight, and yet here she was tending to her daughters hand after she suffered from a bout of some sort of psychosis.

"Shit Mom, ow that hurts" Amelia winced in pain, as Olivia pulled the razor blade out of Amelia's palm.

"I know, baby. I know. But are you surprised? You cut it quite deep. And with a razor blade. I might add. What the hell Mia? What were you thinking?" Olivia replied, bandaging up her daughter's hand.

"I, uh... I don't know. What happened? Am I dreaming? How did I get here? I was at school. I was at school, I went today Mom. I promise. I went to school. Wait, you drove me to school. Where's Grace?" Amelia questioned.

"Baby. You don't remember?" Olivia urged.

"Remember what? What happened mom?" Amelia questioned.

Olivia looked at her daughter and then stood up from the bed. "I've gotta get you to the hospital, these need stitches. You lost quite a bit of blood" She said, praying her daughter didn't hatch on to her plan to get her daughter's mental health checked out.

"But..." Amelia stuttered. "It's okay now, you cleaned it up. I'm fine" She said trying to avoid going to the hospital. "Anyway, shouldn't you be at work?"

"Oh it's okay. Cragen gave me the day" Olivia lied. "Now come on. Grab your coat. We're going to get that hand checked out"

Amelia admit defeat and complied with her moms wishes. And grabbed her coat and her bag and walked out into the hall, and out of the apartment with her mother. And out onto the street, where they caught a cab to the hospital.

"Mom. What's happening? I'm scared. What's happening to me?" Amelia cried into her mothers shoulder.

"I don't know, but we're gonna find out. It's gonna be okay baby. I promise" Olivia reassured her daughter.

They soon arrived at the hospital, and made they're way into the ER.

"It's okay, baby. Go sit down. I'll be right back. I promise" Olivia told her daughter, before she walked over to the reception.

"May I help you?" The receptionist asked.

"Oh yes. My daughter, she... uh she's cut her hand" Olivia replied.

"Okay. Can you fill this out and hand it to the doctor when you're called?" The receptionist replied.

"Look, I'll be honest with you. I'm a Detective with the NYPD" Olivia said, showing her badge. "And I'm worried about my daughter, she's cut her hand and it seems she was suffering with some sort of pyschosis. Now I wish to see a doctor right away"

"Okay Detective?" The receptionist asked.

"Benson. It's Detective Benson" Olivia answered.

"Detective Benson. Go on and fill that out. And I'll send a doctor out right away" The receptionist informed Olivia.

"Thanks" Olivia replied, before walking back over to her daughter where she took a seat beside her.

"Mom. My hand hurts." Amelia said facing her mother. "I think it started bleeding again"

"I know baby. But the doctor will be here any minute and he or she will make it better" Olivia said, pulling her daughter close into a reassuring hug. "It's gonna be okay baby. I promise"

The doctor came into the waiting room. "Benson?"

"That's us" Olivia replied, standing up, holding her hand out for Amelia to take.

"Right this way. Detective Benson" The doctor said, walking over to a cubicle before pulling the curtain over.

"Now. Miss Benson, I'm Doctor Brook. Do you want to take a seat on the bed and I'll take a look at your hand. Your mom here said you cut it. Wanna tell me about that?" Dr Brook questioned.

Amelia looked at her mother who told her it was okay. That she should sit down on the bed, that wasn't going to leave her and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Amelia complied with her mother's wishes and say down on the bed.

"It hurts" Amelia said.

"I know Miss Benson" Dr Brook said taking a look at the form Olivia had handed her. "But we're going to help you with that Amelia. Now do you want to tell me how this happened?"

Amelia looked at her mother and then the doctor. "I don't know, and call me Mia. No one calls me Amelia except my teachers and my 'Grandpa'. " Mia was talking of course about Captain Cragen. He was by every meaning of the word her 'Grandpa' and she loved her dearly, and know he saw her and her mother as his family. His 'daughter' and 'granddaughter'.

"Well Mia. Your mom here tells us, you cut it on a razor blade? Is that right?" Dr Brook questioned, as she was cleaning up the cut that had indeed started bleeding again.

Amelia starred at Dr Brook. "I guess... but I can't remember. I mean I can't remember it happening until mom told me I was at home and I was bleeding"

Dr Brook who was still cleaning up the cut that had stopped bleeding again, looked up to Amelia. "And has this happened before Mia? Not being able to remember what's happened until your mom tells you"

Amelia looked to her mother. "It's okay baby. Just tell her. It'll be okay"

"It's like... uh I can be doing something then the voices they... they just won't shut up and then it's like I'm somewhere else and I can't remember going there. It's scary" Amelia said, between cries.

"And the... voices? When did they start Mia?" Dr Brook asked.

Amelia looked to Olivia again, who told her it was okay. To tell Dr Brook when the voices started.

"I can't remember, they just came one day. And haven't left me alone since. You think in crazy, don't you?" Amelia said.

"Baby, we don't think you're crazy. You just need some help. And Dr Brook is going to help, aren't you Doctor?" Olivia said.

Dr Brook who had just finished stitching the last stitch in Amelia's hand, looked at Amelia. "Yeah. We're going help. We're gonna make the voices go away."

A/N: You know what to do, review? I'll love you forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you for all the sweet reviews I've been getting. I have decided to continue this story and here's the 2nd chapter. I hope you all enjoy, and keep reading. I love you all.

**Links: **Twitter - TheHannahWatts

Tumblr - HannahIslesBenson

* * *

**Earlier that day. **

Olivia stormed into Amelia's bedroom. "Mia!" She shouted. "I will not tell you again, get up and get ready. You're going to school, even if I have to drag you there myself. Now get up!"

Amelia ignored her mother, and pulled her duvet further up her body until Olivia pulled it off of her. "Okay, okay. I'm up! You can get out of my bedroom now!"

"Don't start me Mia, I am not in the mood. Now hurry up and get ready. There's breakfast in the kitchen. Your sister's already eaten. We leave in 10 minutes" Olivia warned as she walked out of Amelia's bedroom.

Amelia cursed herself as she stood up from her bed and walked over to the door to close it, so she could get ready. She made her way back over to her closet and pulled out her school uniform. She quickly dressed, not looking down at her arms as she did so. She had scars and fresh cuts from her wrists to her elbows. There were 100's of them. It was her darkest secret. No one knew, no one would care. She was in a severe depression and no one noticed, not even Olivia. She was more concerned about the way she was behaving. Her attitude, her low grades, the skipping of school and the drinking. She had no idea what to do with her. She was at her wits-end.

Amelia quickly got ready, grabbed her bag and her cellphone and made her way out of her bedroom. She walked across the hallway into the bathroom, where she brushed her teeth before making her way to the kitchen.

Grace was sat on the couch, watching TV. She stared at her sister, and mumbled something under her breath.

"What?" Amelia shouted. "You wanna say something?"

"Oh no, nothing at all. Who wants to talk to the slut, anyway?" Grace said, grabbing her bag.

"You wanna say that again" Amelia screamed, before going to launch at her sister. But she was stopped by Olivia, who grabbed her arm before she could hit Grace.

"Amelia Rose Benson!" Olivia warned Amelia. "Don't you fucking dare. You do not hit your sister, you understand me? You're treading on low ground, don't you dare push it" It was then she turned to face Grace. "Go wait in the car. We'll be right down"

"Okay mom," Grace said. "The less time I have to spend with the crazy slut is the better"

"Oh no, you did not just. Oh you are so getting it" Amelia raged.

"Mia! I will not tell you again." Olivia shouted, grabbing hold of Amelia again. "Grace, just go. Wait in the car"

Grace tutted. "Fine" She said, as she left the apartment

Amelia was shaking with rage. "She..." She couldn't talk for shaking. She was absolutely raging.

"What's up with you?" Olivia cried. "What's going on with you? My daughter would have never attacked her sister before. I just want my daughter back"

Amelia was starting to slowly but surely calm down, and just stared at her mother. "You heard her, how can you just let her to talk to me that way?"

"Well if you didn't act crazy, she wouldn't have called you crazy. What the hell is going with you, Mia?"

"Well if she didn't abuse me, and for no reason I might add maybe I wouldn't act like that and go off on her." Amelia replied.

"This has to stop Mia. All of it. I don't know what the hell is going on with you. But you've gotta snap out of it" Olivia pleaded.

"I don't know what you're taking about Mom. Can we just go? You said it yourself, if we didn't leave at 8 that we were gonna be late"

"Fine, but we're not finished. We're gonna have a talk tonight. Now come on, lets go" Olivia replied and with that the two Benson women left the apartment and made their way to the parking garage.

* * *

Olivia had just dropped the girls off at school, and she was driving the 12 blocks to the precinct. She entered the squad room at 9:15am. She looked around for Elliot but he hadn't arrived yet. She made her way over to her desk and opened the draw with her key, bringing out the paperwork for the case she was working on. She sat down, and put her face in her hands. Today was going to be a long day, her head was just not with it. She took a sigh and then continued to work on her paperwork.

* * *

Amelia had been in school for over 3 hours and she was already the subject of stares and constant talking about her behind her back. She shrugged it off and concentrated on getting to her lessons and getting her work done. After all it was only a few more hours until she could go home and get changed and go party. She walked through the corridors and made her way to her 3rd period class with Mrs Monroe. She walked into the classroom and sat down at the back of the class. She pulled her books about of her bag and placed them on the table.

"Ah Miss Benson, nice of you to make your presence today." Mrs Monroe announced.

Amelia just smiled, sarcastically. And continued with her work. She had trouble concentrating, she could hear all the snide comments about her and she found it hard. She felt so low and so depressed, she needed her release. She needed to feel the cold metal blade, cutting through her skin. She could barely breathe, and could feel herself shaking. And knew of only one way to stop it. She made an excuse and ran from the classroom to the nearest restroom. She locked the door behind her. She soon found herself rummaging through her bag for that tiny little object that she could find peace in. She rolled up her shirt, and glided the blade over her wrist again and again. Soon finding relief, she could start to breathe properly. Blood seeped from the wounds, and dripped onto the floor. She'd cut deep this time. She cleaned the wounds and strapped her wrists up and then exited the cubicle. Walking over to the mirror, she threw water from the sink onto face. _What had she become?_ A single tear fell from her eye and she looked down at her now covered wrists.

The bell went, and she left the restroom and made her way to her locker.

* * *

The day had gone by relatively slow and Olivia was sat nursing her twelfth mug of coffee. She was stuck in her own thoughts, worried about Amelia and what she was going to do with her that she hadn't realised that Fin had been trying to get her attention for the last 5 minutes.

Elliot walked into the squad room and saw Olivia sitting at her desk, obviously worried about something. He walked over to Fin who was at the monitor.

"What's up with her?" Elliot questioned.

"No idea. She's been like that all day, I think that's her twelfth mug of coffee. We've been trying to get her attention for over 5 minutes. Someone needs to talk to her." Fin replied.

"Yeah and that somebody would be you." Munch told Elliot.

Elliot turned around to find Olivia was no longer sat at her seat. He made his way to his desk and sat down waiting for Olivia's return.


	3. Chapter 3

"Where's Liv?" Cragen said, as he walked out if his office.

Olivia appeared and walked back over to her desk. "Here Captain, I'm here. What've we got?"

"Rape victim, college student. Mercy General. Get down there." Cragen replied.

"Sure Captain, on our way." Elliot replied before turning to Olivia. "You okay?" He pressed.

"Sure, just got a lot on at the moment. I'll be fine"

"And I'm guessing 'a lot' would be Millie, want me to have a word?"

"Isn't it always. Lets just go I'll tell you about it later. Lets go to Mercy"

* * *

Meanwhile at Amelia's School.

It was lunchtime and Amelia was making her way to the cafeteria to grab herself a bottle of water and some fruit. She made her way through the corridors and walked into the cafeteria. She made her way across the room, seeing her sister at a nearby table. She joined the end of the queue and looked around the room. Amelia was again the subject of constant stares and sniggers. Grace was sat starring at her and one of her friends was giggling and pointing at her.

"Hey girls, what do we have here? The crazy slut's back" Jenna sniggered. "Oh and she's stood alone without any friends"

Jenna and the girls started laughing. "Who'd wanna be your friend anyway?"

Grace just looked out at the sight in front of her. She was brought out of her thoughts by her friend Kylie talking to her. "Shouldn't you go over there, she looks like she needs you."

"Oh no, she does not need me. I am not going over there" Grace exclaimed, folding her arms.

"I'm serious G, she's shaking and she looks like she's gonna break. She needs you. You've gotta go over there" Kylie said, trying to persuade Grace.

"Kylie's right. Just look at her Grace, she needs you" Skye urged.

"Fine!" Grace said, standing up from her seat. She walked over to Amelia, grabbing her hand. "Mia, come on. Leave them. There not worth it."

"Awh, the slut needs her sister to come rescue her" Jenna giggled.

"Shut up Jenna, and go terrorise someone else" Grace informed her.

Amelia was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't speak. She just followed her sister who walked back to her lunch table.

"Mia, sit down. It's okay. I'm not gonna go off on you I promise." Grace told her sister.

"It's okay really Mia. Sit down, we want you too" Kylie informed Amelia.

Amelia complied and sat down next to Skye. "Why? Why would you let me sit with you after I virtually attacked you this morning?"

"Relax, I'm still mad at you but no one deserves that. Not even you. 4 against 1, how is that fair?" Grace replied.

"Hey, I'm going to get more soda. Anyone want anything?" Kylie asked.

"No, I'm fine thanks." Grace and Skye both said at the same time.

"Mia, want me to get whatever you were gonna get?"

"Hmm. Oh no thanks, it doesn't matter I'm not hungry." Amelia replied.

"Mia, you didn't have breakfast either. You need to eat something, you were practically shaking up there." Grace faced her sister. Who just gave her a stern look.

"Grace. I'm not hungry!" Amelia exclaimed.

Grace turned to Kylie. "She'll have some fries and a soda. Thanks Kylss"

Kylie nodded and made her way over to the lunch queue.

"I'm not gonna eat them Grace. I'm not hungry" Amelia warned.

"Fine don't eat them Mills, but quite frankly you need to. You're nothing but skin and bones. And honestly, you look ill. I know we fight a lot, but we're sisters and I love you. I'm worried about you." Grace cried.

"Yeah well there's nothing to be worried about. I'm fine" Amelia replied.

"Yeah well funny way of showing it. I just want my sister back, is that at all hard to ask for"

"Fine, I'll eat it if it'll get you off my back"

A smile crept on Grace's face, she knew it would be short lived but her sister had agreed to eat something and she was happy about that even if I did only last so long.

"Thank you" Grace said.

Kylie arrived back at the table with the fries and placed them in front of Amelia handing her a fork. "Bon appetite"

"Thanks" Amelia replied, unconvincingly. And played with the fries for a good 5 minutes until she took a bite of the first one. Grace starred at her as she was eating, and Amelia found it really uncomfortable. "Stop staring at me"

"No, not until you eat them all"

"And what are you gonna do?"

"Don't Mills, just don't. You know fine well what I'll do." Grace warned. And Skye and Kylie just starred at each other. Having no idea what was going on. "You didn't eat breakfast, and I didn't see you eat at all yesterday."

"I haven't got a problem!" Amelia shouted.

"Well prove it, eat all those fries" Grace said, pointing to the bowl.

"Fine!" Amelia exclaimed. _'Its not I'm gonna keep them. I'll show you that I'll eat them, but there's no way that I'm keeping them. I'll just purge them back up' _She thought to herself.

5 Minutes Later, and Amelia finished her last fry. She pushed the bowl over to Grace. "There, satisfied?"

"Not fully, you haven't finished yet. Now you're gonna drink the soda, Kylls here so kindly got you" Grace smirked.

"But..."

"Mills!" Grace warned. "You're drinking it, unless you want me to tell mom"

Amelia sighed and grabbed the soda from the table, and opened it taking a sip. She looked at her sister, who told her to drink it all, which she subsequently did. She drank the full can. All she could think about was how much sugar was in it, how many calories, her thoughts went into overdrive and her mind was racing. She soon drank it and placed it on the table. "There I drank it"

"Thank you" Grace smiled. "I'm sorry, I blackmailed you. I'm just worried about you. I miss my sister"

"I'm sorry Gracie." Amelia teared up. "I shouldn't have attacked you this morning, you didn't deserve it." She began shaking again, and tears were falling down her face. She covered her face with her hands and dried the tears away before running from the table to the restroom.

"Mills, come back" Grace shouted but Amelia was long gone. She gathered her things and made her way out of the cafeteria to go outside. Kylie and Skye followed behind.

"What was that about?" Skye questioned.

"I have no idea" Kylie replied.


End file.
